Why Women Fear Success

More and more women are in leadership positions in the American workplace. And I learned recently that 40% of households now have females as the primary breadwinner. We see more role models every day of women in powerful positions in politics, business, and human services. So all of us women who have owned our inner authority and are expressing this in the world have a lot to be proud of. Our voices have the potential to bring balance to a system that has gone too far in the direction of domination and control. As women, we have empathy for what it feels like to be the underdog. We’ve been there. Historically, women’s roles have necessitated supporting a system where our voice is not listened to. It has only been since the 1960’s that women have been speaking up in large numbers.

The Women’s Liberation Movement called attention to an experience that I myself was feeling at the time. In the early to mid 1960’s I was working as a research psychologist in a big company, supporting my husband through dental school. I was the family’s sole breadwinner, a role of power in most households. But in my own mind I felt like a second class citizen because, not only was I working 8 hours a day and commuting 3 hours, but I was also doing all the cooking, the laundry, the cleaning, and the social planning in our little household of two. And ironically, he was the one who was too tired to have sex at night. So, needless to say, this was not the life I had hoped for.

Since that time, even though my life is wonderful now, I have not lost my empathy for the many women who still feel they need to work harder than the men around them. There is something in the collective psyche of women that seems to be saying, “In order to prove myself, to prove that ‘I can do it,’ I need to say ‘yes’ to things that I would probably say ‘no’ to if I felt more secure.”

In the late 1970’s I conducted a research study* of highly successful women which corroborated this conclusion. The motivation for this research grew out my own personal pain and frustration. At the time, I had a big important job that most ambitious women of the day would be envious of. I knew I had a great job, but it felt like I was working all the time, still not getting everything done, and having no time for self-care. To see how other women’s experience compared to mine, I did in-depth interviews 35 women who held positions of prestige and authority in business, government, law, education, and the media. There were no female CEO’s of Fortune 500 at that time, but I did interview several Vice Presidents, as well as a few Presidents of smaller companies, a Federal judge, a TV producer, a college President, and a number of top level managers. The purpose of my research was to ascertain how women perceived the “costs” of their newly acquired “success.” I was shocked at what I found. I had expected that many of them would tell me that their success had come at some cost to their feminine side. By feminine side I mean that aspect of one’s being that places a high value on inclusiveness, listening, supportiveness, building relationships (vs one-way communication), caring about the good of the whole, and nurturing—including self-nurturing. What I found was that every single woman in my study, at some point in the interview, told me something like this: “I probably am not taking very good care of myself, but I like the power that comes with this position. I can’t afford to think about ‘costs of success.’ I’m afraid that would be a distraction from how much I have to get done every day. There’s no room in this world for feelings—especially MY feelings.”

When I compared answers like this to my own experience, I felt differently. I was the only female professor in my department at a large, well-respected Eastern University. I had gained enough visibility on campus to be considered for a job in the University Administration as Assistant Provost. And I was going home from work everyday and crying about how I felt “over-worked and under-loved.” As I look back on those difficult times, I see that I was over-working and under-loving myself. Have you ever felt like this?

Perhaps it is part of women’s nature to work non-stop. Or maybe this is due to our cultural history. But, wherever this tendency comes from, it erodes a woman’s self-esteem when she does not take good care of herself. What good does it do us to have the esteem of our colleagues if we feel tired, fat, and frazzled?

I think self-care is at the root of high self-confidence and self-esteem. And I am not just talking about physical self-care. When I say self-care, I am actually referring to having a good emotional relationship with yourself, which means you know, accept, and love yourself, and know how to give yourself guidance and feedback toward the goal of manifesting your intentions.

A primary component of self-love seems to be the ability to know and express one’s needs and wants. And a primary component of self-confidence is a woman’s willingness to voice or to express her gifts, talents and insights. Both of these things require that the woman in question be willing to call attention to herself. Why does this often seem to be so risky for women?

I think we will find part of the answer if we look at the historical forces that have punished women for speaking up. Ever since The Inquisition, when women who spoke out were burned as witches, there has been social pressure on women to stay out of the way of the male-dominated power structure. If a woman gets aggressive in a meeting, she’ll be labeled a ball-buster and discounted. If a man exhibits this same behavior, it is more likely that people will fear and respect him.

Women who are sensitive to collective energies report having “cellular memory” of being tortured as witches during The Inquisition. In an interview I heard recently with Marianne Williamson, she alludes to having such memories. I personally have access to such memories, also. And recently I have accessed another similar memory of being dominated and abused. This memory emerged while I was having a very intense body work session from a practitioner of The Amanae Technique. In this memory I felt myself as an early Cro-Magnan female (or thereabouts) just slightly higher than an ape, being forceably raped from behind by my male counterpart. I tried to resist, and I even screamed, but he easily overpowered me with his greater physical strength. When it was over, he threw me on the ground as if to throw me away. I was left with a feeling of complete helplessness. I knew that I could be forced to do things against my will by someone of greater physical strength. I can only imagine that, in order to assure my survival, I quickly learned to subjugate my needs to those of the men. I probably learned to deny my needs altogether—to avoid feeling the inner conflict between my real needs and what I deemed as realistic.

Both women and men have come a long way since these times. We have learned that we need each other and that when one person or group tries to dominate another, there will be some sort of backlash. Yes, we have matured, but these cellular memories have not faded altogether. So, as women, we need to be vigilant not to let our voices—our needs and our wisdom—get quelled by fear.

Men have been tortured and killed too for speaking their mind. Christ, Martin Luther King, Robert Kennedy are a few martyred heroes who come to mind. So it is not just a woman’s issue. Being courageously authentic can be dangerous to your physical well-being. So both genders have work to do to deal with our historically and culturally conditioned reluctance to rock the boat. But anyone who lives in fear is not confident. Confidence is the trust that you will be okay no matter what the outcome, and it results from taking risks—without knowing what the outcome of your actions will be.

One of the primary tools for building both self-esteem (self-love) and confidence (trust of the unknown) is honest, self-aware communication—with oneself and others. In the body of work I have developed, called The Getting Real Work, I teach specific awareness practices called “truth skills,” that help people notice all the ways they are not in touch with—i.e. not in good relationship with—themselves. This is the place we all must begin from—an honest, non defensive look at ourselves as we are. Then Getting Real guides us to use our relationships with others as vehicles for mutual healing. We need other people as mirrors, teachers, fellow journeyors. When other people criticize us or judge us, this can “push our buttons.” In Getting Real, we learn how to value getting our buttons pushed and how to use this uncomfortable experience to come into deeper relationship with oneself. At the same time as we are learning how to have a positive, nurturing relationship with ourselves, we are also overcoming your fears of being criticized, rejected, disrespected, and the like—because Getting Real shows us how to be there for ourselves when we feel alone and unloved. With "Truth Skill #1, we learn to "experience what is," and be with painful feelings rather than trying to deny or get on top of them.

If you’re going to be an adult, you need to know how to nurture your inner child. If you aren’t able to give yourself loving attention when you need it, you’re going to be going through life in fear that someone is going to push your buttons. Fear of getting your buttons pushed is one of the biggest motivators in ordinary human beings. A true adult is someone who is not afraid of emotional discomfort. And as you get used to living your life using the Getting Real skills, you’ll find that fewer and fewer situations push your buttons. The journey starts with noticing all the ways you try to avoid emotional pain or discomfort. Then you learn how to be with yourself in a nurturing way when pain gets triggered. Then, as a natural consequence of being less afraid, you’ll find yourself taking more risks and becoming more self-assured. And finally, as you continue to do these practices, you’ll discover that very few people, if any, push you buttons anymore! This last discovery might take a year or two or more. But it does happen.

*footnote: Campbell, Susan. “Women and Success,” The Humanistic Psychology Institute Review, Volume 1, Number 1, Summer 1978.

What To Do When Your Fear-Buttons Get Pushed

Perhaps the biggest block to self-confidence is the secret fear most people carry around that their past unfinished business will get re-stimulated in their present relationships and cause them to get flustered, over-react, or not know what to do. These old fears are called buttons or triggers. When someone behaves in a way that reminds us of buried painful but perhaps forgotten experiences in our past, this often triggers an automatic, unconscious over-reaction. People have buttons about being rejected, being abandoned, being controlled, being judged, being ignored, being misunderstood, etc. So if you find yourself protesting, "He's not listening to me! He never listens!" you have probably had a button pushed. Someone in your past did not listen to you, and your never fully dealt with the pain of this experience. To master our buttons and heal ourselves, we need to use these triggering events to become more conscious and loving toward the hurt little person inside. The best place to do this is in our adult relationships.

What can a couple do when they find themselves both overreacting at once, repeating the same fight over and over and never getting anywhere? An important first step is for at least one of the pair to get fluent with the language, “I notice I’m having a reaction to what you’re saying” or “I think I’m getting a button pushed” or “I’m getting triggered.” This signals to the listener a level of self-awareness that tends to help the listening partner feel safer. He hears his partner’s sensitivity, and that she is taking responsibility for her reaction rather than blaming him.

Using this phrase helps partners get beyond blame. Blaming is what I call a "control pattern." It’s an unconscious strategy for feeling more in control by explaining why something occurred — when in fact, you do not really know why. You feel helpless, and finding something or someone to blame helps you feel less helpless. (“I’m feeling bad because of you. If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t be feeling bad.”) Blaming supports the illusion that you have identified the cause of your suffering.

Even if only one member of the pair masters this all-important statement, that’s a good start. How does a couple proceed after one of them admits to being in reaction? If it is Joseph who says, “I’m triggered,” where does this leave Janice? In my experience, if Janice hears this admission from Joseph, it helps her feel safer because he is not blaming her for his reaction. He is owning it as his trigger. It may also help her become more conscious of her own feeling state and more aware that she too is caught in a reaction. So Janice can use this as her cue to admit, “I’m triggered, as well.” Now both of them are more present to their own feelings rather than holding the position that “he (or she) ought to stop pushing my buttons!”

To help Joseph and Janice learn to step back and notice their reactions, I would teach them to be more aware of their bodily sensations — to notice when they feel relaxed and when they feel tense. The couples I work with learn to use this phrase whenever they noticed their bodies tightening up in fear.

Most people get triggered when someone directs anger at them — particularly if the anger comes without warning. Darol took Marie by surprise when he scolded, “How many times have I asked you to save your receipts?” Marie’s normal reaction would be to defend herself, as in, “I’m doing the best I can. Can’t you see how overwhelmed I am dealing with these kids and a family business?” Defensive reactions like this are normal in most relationships — but they do not build intimacy. Defensiveness erodes trust and loving feelings. It also keeps you from getting to the root of your defensive reaction.

If Marie knew how to talk openly about her triggers, she might be able to tell Darol that his anger scares her — thus her defensive reaction. If she would tell him, “I’m triggered by what you said, and I’m feeling defensive,” this would put her more in touch with herself.

When you are present to yourself, you naturally feel stronger and more capable — because you are giving yourself permission to be as you are, rather than denying or masking your true feelings. By expressing yourself responsibly and authentically, you are creating a powerful self-affirmation. Avoiding and hiding from painful feelings weakens your connection to yourself. Acknowledging what you feel builds confidence and self-trust, which will make it easier for you to face difficult situations in the future.

If two people are stuck in an argument, both people’s buttons are probably being pushed at the same time. When this is going on, how can partners extricate themselves? It’s not as hard as it may seem. The secret is this: if just one of the pair will admit, “I’m being triggered here. I’m reacting. I’m on automatic,” this brings the whole conversation to a higher level of truth and transparency. When one person becomes humble and aware enough to make this statement, it is like a wake-up call,inviting both people into the present moment. We recognize how un-present we are, and paradoxically, this brings us present.

Freedom's Just Another Word for Nothin' Left to Hide

Why do I say, “Freedom's Just Another Word for Nothin' Left to Hide?” I have found that the reason people lie, sugar-coat, pretend, and withhold is they are afraid of something happening that they won’t be able to handle –something they don’t feel confident enough to handle—things like conflict or getting themselves in trouble or being misunderstood or being disliked. Fears like this run people—so they aren’t free. They fear these things because as children they did get in trouble when they displeased the big people. So they became conditioned (conditioned like Pavlov’s dog) to avoid any situation that might get them into trouble or have someone be unhappy with them. Over a lifetime of catering to your fears, your world becomes smaller and smaller. The size of the world you feel confident to deal with shrinks in proportion to how much you “baby” yourself by hiding, withholding, and pretending. Your freedom to live your full human potential gets more and more compromised.

To re-build your confidence, start by noticing when you hide, sugar-coat, pretend, and withhold. Feel the fear that is underneath these “damage-control” behaviors. Usually you’ll find things like fear of rejection, fear of not looking good, fear of being misunderstood, fear of getting someone upset, hurt, or angry. If you can honestly look at your fears, you have taken a big step toward healing them. In future blogs I’ll describe how to go deeper into healing your fears. But the biggest, most important step is admitting you have these conditioned fears and noticing examples, on a daily basis, of how powerful your past conditioning is.

Do People Tell You the Truth?-Part Two

Last week I blogged on this topic, and today I had some other thoughts on the subject of “how to know if you’re hearing the truth vs what people think you want to hear.” I was thinking of a woman friend of mine who is really adamant about her boyfriend(s) telling her the truth. As an advocate of “TRUTH IN DATING,” you might think I’d be one of these people, too. But I have a different view. I see truth-telling as something we have been conditioned to NOT do in a dating or marriage-type relationship. So most of us need a recovery program like the GETTING REAL work, to guide us gently and consciously to a state of being where truth-telling feels safe and relatively comfortable. So I think a more realistic approach for a person like my friend would be to invite her boyfriend into “the conversation” about truth-telling—what I call in my books, “the truth-in-dating conversation.” When people do this, they often discover that the person who demands the truth has old wounds or unfinished business about being lied to, about having things hidden from them, about being left out, about things not being as they appear on the surface, or something of this sort. So, if you’re the type of person who is adamant about being told the truth, I invite you to inquire into your ideas and ideals about what’s right and wrong. Notice what you FEEL when you’re not sure someone is being honest with you, and focus on your own feelings vs what you think is right or wrong. Be transparent about your feelings—instead of expecting the other person to change so you won’t have to feel what you’re feeling. Keep remembering that your feelings are your own responsibility. They point you in the direction of what’s unfinished in your life—so you can complete the past, heal, grieve, forgive, and be fully present. If you happen to meet and fall in love with someone you can’t trust, then this person is your laboratory partner for learning about your buttons and unfinished business.

Do People Tell You the Truth-or What You Want to Hear?

I was being interviewed on a radio talk show this past week, and the host asked, “How can I make sure people are telling me the truth?” If you know me at all, you know I’d say “You cannot control what another person does.” But there are some things that make it more or less likely that you’ll get the straight scoop. If you make it your practice to RELATE MORE AND CONTROL LESS, you’re going to be a more open person—open and receptive to life as it is, to people as they are. If you’re still operating mostly from unconscious CONTROL PATTERNS (like asking a question and then answering it; or like asking in a way that implies there is only one right answer—your answer), then people will probably be less likely to tell you things they think you won’t like.

In the GETTING REAL WORK, I make a big deal out of the distinction between RELATING and CONTROLLING. When you communicate from the intent to RELATE, your aim is “to know and be known” by the other—to express yourself without needing to control the outcome, and to listen to others with genuine curiosity about how it is for them. I often coach leaders and managers, for example, to ask for feedback from their direct reports. Ask things like, “How does my management style work for you? I’m always trying to learn to do my job better.” I think it would be great if parents did more of this with their children also—and teachers with their students! A question like this signals that you are sincerely interested in honest feedback. And it ups your chances of getting an honest answer (providing you come across as genuine).

When I have done this sort of thing with my employees, I have not only learned some things—but I think it has also strengthened the trust between us. And as an added benefit, if people get the chance to tell me their negative feedback to my face, they have the chance to clear the air—so they’re not holding negative thoughts about me. In a corporate or family environment, this means that person will have less need to gossip about me behind my back.

I'd really like some feedback on this post. Does it fit with your experience that when you get to tell someone your withheld feelings or assessments, you're more likely to let these judgments go and move on?

Truth-telling is Sexy

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