Freedom's Just Another Word for Nothin' Left to Hide

Why do I say, “Freedom's Just Another Word for Nothin' Left to Hide?” I have found that the reason people lie, sugar-coat, pretend, and withhold is they are afraid of something happening that they won’t be able to handle –something they don’t feel confident enough to handle—things like conflict or getting themselves in trouble or being misunderstood or being disliked. Fears like this run people—so they aren’t free. They fear these things because as children they did get in trouble when they displeased the big people. So they became conditioned (conditioned like Pavlov’s dog) to avoid any situation that might get them into trouble or have someone be unhappy with them. Over a lifetime of catering to your fears, your world becomes smaller and smaller. The size of the world you feel confident to deal with shrinks in proportion to how much you “baby” yourself by hiding, withholding, and pretending. Your freedom to live your full human potential gets more and more compromised.

To re-build your confidence, start by noticing when you hide, sugar-coat, pretend, and withhold. Feel the fear that is underneath these “damage-control” behaviors. Usually you’ll find things like fear of rejection, fear of not looking good, fear of being misunderstood, fear of getting someone upset, hurt, or angry. If you can honestly look at your fears, you have taken a big step toward healing them. In future blogs I’ll describe how to go deeper into healing your fears. But the biggest, most important step is admitting you have these conditioned fears and noticing examples, on a daily basis, of how powerful your past conditioning is.

Do People Tell You the Truth?-Part Two

Last week I blogged on this topic, and today I had some other thoughts on the subject of “how to know if you’re hearing the truth vs what people think you want to hear.” I was thinking of a woman friend of mine who is really adamant about her boyfriend(s) telling her the truth. As an advocate of “TRUTH IN DATING,” you might think I’d be one of these people, too. But I have a different view. I see truth-telling as something we have been conditioned to NOT do in a dating or marriage-type relationship. So most of us need a recovery program like the GETTING REAL work, to guide us gently and consciously to a state of being where truth-telling feels safe and relatively comfortable. So I think a more realistic approach for a person like my friend would be to invite her boyfriend into “the conversation” about truth-telling—what I call in my books, “the truth-in-dating conversation.” When people do this, they often discover that the person who demands the truth has old wounds or unfinished business about being lied to, about having things hidden from them, about being left out, about things not being as they appear on the surface, or something of this sort. So, if you’re the type of person who is adamant about being told the truth, I invite you to inquire into your ideas and ideals about what’s right and wrong. Notice what you FEEL when you’re not sure someone is being honest with you, and focus on your own feelings vs what you think is right or wrong. Be transparent about your feelings—instead of expecting the other person to change so you won’t have to feel what you’re feeling. Keep remembering that your feelings are your own responsibility. They point you in the direction of what’s unfinished in your life—so you can complete the past, heal, grieve, forgive, and be fully present. If you happen to meet and fall in love with someone you can’t trust, then this person is your laboratory partner for learning about your buttons and unfinished business.

Do People Tell You the Truth-or What You Want to Hear?

I was being interviewed on a radio talk show this past week, and the host asked, “How can I make sure people are telling me the truth?” If you know me at all, you know I’d say “You cannot control what another person does.” But there are some things that make it more or less likely that you’ll get the straight scoop. If you make it your practice to RELATE MORE AND CONTROL LESS, you’re going to be a more open person—open and receptive to life as it is, to people as they are. If you’re still operating mostly from unconscious CONTROL PATTERNS (like asking a question and then answering it; or like asking in a way that implies there is only one right answer—your answer), then people will probably be less likely to tell you things they think you won’t like.

In the GETTING REAL WORK, I make a big deal out of the distinction between RELATING and CONTROLLING. When you communicate from the intent to RELATE, your aim is “to know and be known” by the other—to express yourself without needing to control the outcome, and to listen to others with genuine curiosity about how it is for them. I often coach leaders and managers, for example, to ask for feedback from their direct reports. Ask things like, “How does my management style work for you? I’m always trying to learn to do my job better.” I think it would be great if parents did more of this with their children also—and teachers with their students! A question like this signals that you are sincerely interested in honest feedback. And it ups your chances of getting an honest answer (providing you come across as genuine).

When I have done this sort of thing with my employees, I have not only learned some things—but I think it has also strengthened the trust between us. And as an added benefit, if people get the chance to tell me their negative feedback to my face, they have the chance to clear the air—so they’re not holding negative thoughts about me. In a corporate or family environment, this means that person will have less need to gossip about me behind my back.

I'd really like some feedback on this post. Does it fit with your experience that when you get to tell someone your withheld feelings or assessments, you're more likely to let these judgments go and move on?

Truth-telling is Sexy

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