Last week I blogged on this topic, and today I had some other thoughts on the subject of “how to know if you’re hearing the truth vs what people think you want to hear.” I was thinking of a woman friend of mine who is really adamant about her boyfriend(s) telling her the truth. As an advocate of “TRUTH IN DATING,” you might think I’d be one of these people, too. But I have a different view. I see truth-telling as something we have been conditioned to NOT do in a dating or marriage-type relationship. So most of us need a recovery program like the GETTING REAL work, to guide us gently and consciously to a state of being where truth-telling feels safe and relatively comfortable. So I think a more realistic approach for a person like my friend would be to invite her boyfriend into “the conversation” about truth-telling—what I call in my books, “the truth-in-dating conversation.” When people do this, they often discover that the person who demands the truth has old wounds or unfinished business about being lied to, about having things hidden from them, about being left out, about things not being as they appear on the surface, or something of this sort. So, if you’re the type of person who is adamant about being told the truth, I invite you to inquire into your ideas and ideals about what’s right and wrong. Notice what you FEEL when you’re not sure someone is being honest with you, and focus on your own feelings vs what you think is right or wrong. Be transparent about your feelings—instead of expecting the other person to change so you won’t have to feel what you’re feeling. Keep remembering that your feelings are your own responsibility. They point you in the direction of what’s unfinished in your life—so you can complete the past, heal, grieve, forgive, and be fully present. If you happen to meet and fall in love with someone you can’t trust, then this person is your laboratory partner for learning about your buttons and unfinished business.
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