I was being interviewed on a radio talk show this past week, and the host asked, “How can I make sure people are telling me the truth?” If you know me at all, you know I’d say “You cannot control what another person does.” But there are some things that make it more or less likely that you’ll get the straight scoop. If you make it your practice to RELATE MORE AND CONTROL LESS, you’re going to be a more open person—open and receptive to life as it is, to people as they are. If you’re still operating mostly from unconscious CONTROL PATTERNS (like asking a question and then answering it; or like asking in a way that implies there is only one right answer—your answer), then people will probably be less likely to tell you things they think you won’t like.
In the GETTING REAL WORK, I make a big deal out of the distinction between RELATING and CONTROLLING. When you communicate from the intent to RELATE, your aim is “to know and be known” by the other—to express yourself without needing to control the outcome, and to listen to others with genuine curiosity about how it is for them. I often coach leaders and managers, for example, to ask for feedback from their direct reports. Ask things like, “How does my management style work for you? I’m always trying to learn to do my job better.” I think it would be great if parents did more of this with their children also—and teachers with their students! A question like this signals that you are sincerely interested in honest feedback. And it ups your chances of getting an honest answer (providing you come across as genuine).
When I have done this sort of thing with my employees, I have not only learned some things—but I think it has also strengthened the trust between us. And as an added benefit, if people get the chance to tell me their negative feedback to my face, they have the chance to clear the air—so they’re not holding negative thoughts about me. In a corporate or family environment, this means that person will have less need to gossip about me behind my back.
I'd really like some feedback on this post. Does it fit with your experience that when you get to tell someone your withheld feelings or assessments, you're more likely to let these judgments go and move on?
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hi Susan,
ReplyDeleteI love what you said, but what struck me was this new (to me) photo. Ever since I commented on your website photo 4 years ago when we used it for the aTLC Summit, I’ve become aware of how Americans lie to each other with faked smile photos. I think you brought this up in me because of your commitment to truth-telling.
I think “cheese” has led to a cheesy situation where we don’t really know what anyone looks like from their photo.
Many of us think those Civil War photos look so glum, but do they really? When people had to pose a long time for the slow exposure times required, they had to relax into a natural pose, but by our norms, they seem glum.
I still habitually break into a fake smile in front of a camera. Not doing so is hard. That’s why I prefer candid shots.
Does anyone else notice how our culture of fake smiles?
Jack
Jack
ReplyDeleteI appreciate you for what you said. I am not using the "big smile" photo that's next to my profile as my main head shot. I intentionally chose one that has a "little smile" to use now. But sometimes I am in a hurry when I paste in a photo, and I put this one in. My story is I am not very careful about things like "image." I just clicked on a photo in my photos file, and this one came up. If I can, in this next blog, I'll use the "little smile" one. Can you see a difference? I have not changed my website photo for the same reason...not a priority/not important to me.
Whenever I speak my mind on a subject, and I am being in the moment, I always feel as though I am done with it. The subject does not linger in my mind and I am not trying to compose "if only I had said" statements in my head.
ReplyDeleteI actually feel more confident when I speak what I feel, even if there is a better way to say it, or I have to resend the statement later.
Also there is an unblocking of energy when I speak from my heart.
I agree.... and I notice a big difference in a conflict situation, like when I'm feeling hurt or angry, to not speak from my feelings but from a separate place, where the sincere desire to understand the other person is the leading factor. Likely as not, once I understand, the anger or hurt has no basis: at some point in the interaction there was a misunderstanding, that's all. But the path to understanding would have been hampered by leading with how hurt I am, by making it all about me; it's about US. If, on the other hand, the additional information does not lead to seeing the place of misunderstanding, then we can talk about our feelings and needs.
ReplyDeleteFor many years I've been aware that "it's as disruptive to take offense as it is to be offensive", so I try to notice when "being offended" begins to awaken and, rather than let it get a foothold, try to get more information.